Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #4 Painting!


What it Entails:
Dig deep within your soul and find a hitherto unsuspected love of paint fumes. Learn to love how they life you up and carry you to far away places with pink bunny rabbits. Paint every day hunting for lift from the fumes. Discard the silly concept of painting on canvas. These things are not for you, no! You needed a large mural, a wall. Discover the joy of painting graffiti. Spend hours creating complex love letters to your spray cans. Get caught, resist arrest, go to jail.

During your incarceration rise to the top of the social pyramid of your prison. Develop a network of people both inside and outside who can use to acquire more spray paint. Continue working on your art in your cell. Should your cellmate complain stare him down until you’ve mastered “Crazy eyes.”

Upon your release take advantage of your newfound criminal empire to ignore any need for a day job and instead return to graffiti. Should you be hassled again, use your underworld ties to manipulate the system.

1. Learn to paint.
2. Create criminal network.
3. Lower cost of utilities while incarcerated.

1. Must go to jail.
2. Spray paint can be expensive.
3. You may not look good in orange.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #3 Teach Your Friends How to Cook!

Teach Your Friends How to Cook!

What it Entails:
By this point in time you’ve learned how to cook and mastered the art of acquiring the kitchen tools you need from those around you. It is essential that you have several good recipes that make use of esoteric cooking items. I recommend an industrial raclette grill, a wood-fired pizza oven and a candy thermometer. These are all items that will not be found in your average friend’s kitchen.

Teach your friends how to make exquisite dishes with them. Raclette, pizza, and candies or deep fried goodness. Lace these dishes with intense quantities of caffeine to get them addicted. Stop making them.

Let the agony build in your friends until they need these dishes again. Let them come over and cook them for you. Every fifth dish or so secretly spike it with that caffeine that they so crave.

1. Now you have kitchen minions!
2. More time to go back to theft and skulking, darks hobbies that you are now addicted to from your time left learning how to cook.
3. No more grocery bills as your friends bring over ingredients.

1. Must teach friends how to cook.
2. Must spend time with people.
3. Criminal enterprises at risk of discovery due to extra human contact.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #2 Cooking

Learn to Cook!

What it Entails:

Cooking good food at home can be expensive. There several factors to consider, the new pots and pans or other esoteric items that you might want, I’m still looking for a “Danish Dough Whisk.” Then there are the recipe books, you can of course use a recipe off of the internet, but it’s not as fun. Then there are the ingredients. Quality food requires quality ingredients.

Assuming you live on a budge how do you afford all of this? Theft. Almost all of us have a black shirt, black pants and black shoes. If you’re lucky you also have a black mask. If not you’ll need to “Procure one.”

Theft is itself an art, which will require that you improve your physical fitness and learn how to move silently. There are other lesser skills that would serve you well in this new endeavor, lock picking and surveillance come to mind. It may be worthwhile to enroll in a course to get your private investigator’s license to help with these worthy goals.

1. Learn the fine art of theft.
2. Better food at home!
3. Your friends (if you have any) will get fatter, and as humans measure they’re happiness through the misery of others, as they get fatter, you get happier. Everyone wins, or at least you do.

1. You may get fatter due to the succulent food that now graces your table.
2. You may feel obligated to feed others, lessening your social isolation.
3. Possible significant financial outlay for the cost of a private investigator’s course.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #1 Take Up Hiking


What It Entails:
Hiking is an activity that is inviting to the non-hiker. All you need to get started are a set of new boots, hiking sunglasses, emergency safety kit, tradition Irish walking staff/club, pepper spray, collection of knives, portable water purification system and a compass. Once you’ve picked these items you can conquer trails in your vicinity.

1. Exercise
2. Depending on your skill with your pepper spray or knives you may end up as lunch for a prowling grizzly or mountain lion, ending your existence
3. Hiking can be solitary, avoiding the need for person to person contact

1. Equipment can be expensive
2. People may want to come with you, resulting in dreaded person to person contact
3. Lack of sanitary washrooms with delightful hand creams, similarly recent reports indicate a total lack of butler service