Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #25 Be Abducted by Aliens

Be Abducted by Aliens

alien abduction

What it Entails:

Drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

Wait? You were expecting real instructions? Okay. Fine.

Think like an alien. You’re observing a (comparatively) low-tech civilization and want to collect specimens for study/tests/dissection, but don’t want to be discovered. Who are you going to choose? People without personal connections, people who aren’t going to be missed.

How does that help you?

You need to become an attractive abductee. Quit your job. Break your lease. Sell your home. Sever connections with family and friends. Move to a new city or country. Spend all of your time alone, preferably in the unobserved wilderness. Wear lots of shiny silver clothing, you want society to think you’re nuts, but to stand out to the (potential) aliens.

Keep this up for a minimum of 25 years.

1. Probable lack of social contact.
2. Silver clothing is officially “In.”
3. Potentially answer the question of “Are we alone.”

1. Unlikely to succeed.
2. May accidentally be exposed to interesting people and cultures due to travel.
3. Chance of dissection.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #24 Become an Astronaut

Become an Astronaut

become an astronaut

What it Entails:

Passion. Only the elite few become astronauts. To ascend to their ranks you’re going to need something that most people don’t have, a spark, a drive, a need. That need is most often a desire to get off of the planet due to the complete and utter hatred of all other terrestrial life.

You’re also going to need a unique skill set. NASA isn’t going to send you off-planet just because you want to leave. You’re going to have to add value to the team. Prepare to invest years in training as a scientist, engineer or pilot. Also prepare yourself for the idea that you’ll be working in an environment so hostile that there are countless Hollywood films based around you and your crew dying due to catastrophic equipment failure… but on the plus side… weightlessness!

1. Coolest reason to wear adult diapers.
2. Eat zero-g M&M’s while looking at an epic view.
3. Chance to participate in first contact.

1. You have to come home.
2. Going to space isn’t a vacation, you actually have to work.
3. Chance to be among the first enslaved due to first contact.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #23 Knit a Scarf

Knit a Scarf

Knit a scarf

What it Entails:

Go to a clothing store, preferably a discount clothing store. Pick out a scarf, it’s going to run you ~$5.00. Now, instead of spending that $5.00 you’re going to buy knitting needles, yarn and burn hours on youtube learning how to make that thing from scratch. It will be of lower quality, and cost you far more in terms of hours spent, but now, you’ll have the satisfaction of being able to give people gifts that they don’t like, but feel uncomfortable throwing away.

Did you just realize how evil the elderly are? Because I did. This explains so, so many gifts… Thanks grandma, raisin cookies, my favorite…

1. Knitting needles might not look like weapons, but they’re weapons. Bottom tier, but weapons. Never fear an unarmed mugger again.
2. It’s easy to give people presents, and pretend like you cared, all in one go. It might be the most anti-social creative pursuit of all time.
3. You can pick out the itchiest fabrics of all time, and people will still feel obligated to say “Thank you.” Cue evil laughter.

1. You might learn to enjoy knitting. Then you’ll be that person who knits. That’s a hobby that one tends to keep hidden away.
2. It’s not going to stop with people, you’re going to start making clothes for your pets. Turn back while you still can.
3. You will eventually grow proud of your work. In this, as in so many other things, you will be alone.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #22 Ride in a Hot Air Balloon

Ride in a Hot Air Balloon

Ride in a Hot Air Balloon

What it Entails:

This is a great hobby for mixing phobias. What you’re going to participate in is a mixture of wide-open spaces, claustrophobically small spaces, proximity to fire, lightning, flocks of migratory birds and heights. And why would you do this?

The view.

Sort of like one you could get safely, and for free, from a skyscraper.

Hot air balloons combine the maneuverability of a manatee with the grace of a… This is a bad metaphor. Hot air balloons were a good idea before the Wright Brothers. Since then we’ve had better methods of traversing the sky. Even blimps are better. Even hydrogen blimps are better. They’re faster, they’re more maneuverable, just as quiet, oh and they don’t make you stand, or sit, for hours on end in a picnic basket hanging under a flipping fire.

1. Chance to plummet to your death.
2. Will reveal any hidden neuroses in those around you.
3. You can tell people that you’ve been up in a hot air balloon. They’ll nod and say something like “How interesting.” Phew, that’s ten seconds of awkward evening conversation solved for you. Maybe you can fabricate a story about the balloon being punctured and stretch it out to a minute?

1. Lack of bathrooms.
2. Have you even been in conversation and felt like you couldn’t escape it? This experience will take it to a whole new level.
3. Your life is in the hands of someone who decided to pilot hot air balloons for a living. I’m not sure if it’s better or worse if this was their Plan B.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #21 Spelunking



What it Entails:

Turn your back on the open sky, and the wonders of the distant stars. Ignore the luring call of the blue and the wild cry of birdsong. You want dirt. Dirt and stone. And the opportunity to be crushed to death.

Put a flashlight on your head, no, no, not that one, that one is far too trendy.

Now go and explore an underground world populated by the most beautiful creatures known to nature. Giant bugs. Spiders. Bats. Things as of yet unidentified by science that may well view you as food, or at the very least capture you and lay eggs in you. Survive.

1. It’s a hobby that you can use to hide your vampiric nature. Note: This is only a “pro” if you possess a mental disorder that causes you to think that you’re a vampire.
2. Lack of pollen to trigger your spring allergies.
3. Zero cell phone reception.

1. Cave-ins. Drawing the short straw. Death by cannibalism.
2. Cave-ins. Not drawing the short straw. Cannibalism.
3. Realization that you’re not cut out to be Batman.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #20 Feed the Koalas

Feed the Koalas


What it Entails:

Immersing yourself in so much cuteness. So, so, much crazy, adorable, cuteness. Koalas are well known as adorable cuddly bears that are just begging to be hugged and squeezed and loved.

Koalas can also be found on lists like “7 Adorable Animals That Are Surprisingly Violent.” They headline that article.

So back to the Koala, you’re looking at feeding an animal that can spend 5-22 hours of its day feeding and sleeping. Why do you want to do this? Oh that’s right, because it’s cuter and smells nicer than a sloth.

Back to the event in question. You are going to willingly pick up a 11-31 lb creature with impressive claws and teeth and possessing a tiny brain described as “a pair of shriveled walnut halves on top of the brain stem, in contact neither with each other nor the bones of the skull.”

So to sum up, it’s small, stupid, armed and prone to violence. Kind of like a weaponized Jack Russell on drugs. You’re going to pick it up and feed it eucalyptus leaves. I’m sure it will be grateful.

1. You went to Australia! Well done, you’re better traveled than most.
2. Have you tried kangaroo yet? Best burgers ever. Treat yourself.
3. Excellent opportunity to develop that tanned/sunburnt look that lets people know that you went somewhere far away.

1. You went to Australia! Home to every deadly creature that ever evolved. It will eventually be proven that fangs, claws, venom and stingers all evolved there and were exported to the outside world.
2. You probably didn’t fly first class. Your back hurts, you have jet lag, and because the universe hates you, your seatmate isn’t going to let you sleep on the flight back. Congratulations on the new arch-nemesis.
3. Any resulting injuries are about as impressive sounding as being mauled by a pug.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #19 Eat Fire

Eat Fire

fire eating

What it Entails:

Fire eating is like love, if you do everything right, you’re still going to get hurt.

Now that I’ve sold you on this prospect, let me tell you about the upsides of fire eating. You’re going to place a flaming baton in your mouth, a flaming baton that has been doused in a fuel that says “Harmful or fatal if swallowed.” Brilliant.

Once the fire is in your mouth, you need to close your lips around the baton tightly enough to deprive the flames of oxygen, but not so tightly that you actually touch the metal and melt any flesh. Seriously, why not do something safer like cage diving or bank robbing?

On top of this you’re going to be mildly poisoned by the fuel, you’ll have a headache, and your mouth will taste foul. Ever notice how fire eaters frequently swig from bottles of alcohol? Booze looks cooler than Listerine.

1. Learn to ignore pain.
2. You can run away with the carnival.
3. Can look spectacular, once, if you have long hair.

1. Many, many, blisters in your mouth.
2. Petroleum burps.
3. The learning curve.